All summer I saw the start of school as a date far, far, off in the distance. I did everything in my power to put on a filter that made the first day of school, the end of summer, as far away as I could. Don't get me wrong; I'm incredibly excited to begin school, but with that excitement comes incredible anxiety. I never forgot about summer's impending end, but I still couldn't believe it when I went to date an entry in my prayer journal and realized that it was the end of July. It was as if a fast-forward switch had been activated.
I hate change, which is ridiculous, because everything changes. Nothing ever stays the same, not even for a second. That doesn't stop me from clinging to the past, though, even when it wasn't always positive. This fall I'm going back to school; a traditional, brick-and-mortar school. I'm thrilled to meet new people and start a new academic year, but that doesn't mean I'm completely ready for the school year to roll around. I spent a year away from school. I'm going to a new school with a few familiar faces and a lot of unfamiliar ones. I didn't get all the classes I wanted. My health is still rocky. I really enjoyed spending my days at home, even if I missed a lot of the aspects of a traditional school.
Change is scary, but change is good. The timing of my acceptance to my new school was perfect from the perspective of time; we had months to get everything together and finish my old school. It wasn't, and isn't, crystal clear from a health perspective. What my family knows, though, is that it wasn't just luck. My family has been praying for a great school forever, but especially since I actually began school and we realized that it wasn't fun, or challenging, or exciting, or any of the other things you wish school would be. We've been praying for 10 years that I might end up at the school I'll be starting in less than a week. We prayed for what to do for my 10th grade year all throughout our time at my old online school. Then, that dream school became more than just a hope.
For all the moments of crying with happiness, there've been tears. For all the time I've spent eagerly talking about school with my mom, we've worked through the anxious thoughts that wrap themselves around the joy and don't budge. I'm right where I'm supposed to be this year; there's no doubt about that. However, that doesn't mean there isn't doubt. That's alright, though, because there's an entire year to have those doubts dissolve. Time was moving too fast a week ago, but now it's moving too slow for an anxious mind. Until school starts, I'll be a wreck. My family will be a wreck. The bulk of the worries won't go away until I've started my new routine; the other ones will take a little more time, and some will never leave. For now, though, I'm just trying to enjoy the last few days of summer, keep my mind on the present, and trust God.